I’m not sure if you know this, but I have a lot of weird quirks. When it comes to sex, for example, I have an unnatural penchant for putting my penis inside strange things.

For example, last night I decided to try and put my penis in a bag of Cheetos, which is something that people do all the time! Unfortunately I realized the bag was too small for me to even get the tip of my penis into, so I had to stop, and just finish off the rest with my mouth instead. Then I got drunk off two glasses of wine and passed out on the couch like a chump. It’s really no different from every other night, in my opinion!

One of my other favorite weird sex habits is to stuff an can of Coke into my mouth when I masturbate. I’ve been doing this since junior high and I have no intention of stopping any time soon!

Now, in the spirit of sharing what makes me unique, let me tell you about this brand new sex toy I bought off Amazon! This thing has a weird name, but it’s actually the coolest thing ever! The only problem is that it doesn’t come with a battery pack, so I can’t charge it up!

If somebody could please get me some rechargeable AA batteries (or even AAA’s) I would greatly appreciate it. And, of course, as long as you don’t tell my wife, I’ll gladly reimburse you for them!

My email address is Dave.D.Davidson@7thnews.network Please help a brotha out! Also, please feel free to share this post on Facebook. I really want to put my penis in this thing.